Adoption Stories: Anonymous
Conversations about adoption are often missing the voices of people who have lived it. In our adoption stories series, adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and their families share their journeys in their own words. This month, we welcome someone who wishes to remain anonymous. Responses have been edited for clarity and length.
If you are interested in sharing your experiences with adoption, please complete this survey.
What are your experiences with adoption?
I placed a child for adoption.
What do you think are the most common myths or misconceptions about adoption?
People falsely think that birth moms have all the power, rights, and choices. However, it’s the adoptive family who is being treated like the paying customer (because they are). They are courting the birth mom but still tend to regard her as a surrogate or martyr and sometimes just want to push her to the back.
Some states do not enforce open adoption agreements, so in those cases the adoptive family could refuse to allow you to see your child ever again, and the birth mother would have no recourse.
Also, people assume that women have a right to choose adoption without the father’s approval. The father has a right to be informed and to contest the adoption. If married, she can’t pursue adoption at all unless he officially signs off on his parental rights.
What do you wish more people understood about adoption?
Birth moms aren’t “brave” martyrs. Birth moms are often marginalized and disadvantaged in many ways, and adoption is merely our best available choice. We certainly aren’t doing this to give someone the family of their dreams. Adoptive (and solid middle-class two-parent) families have many advantages they might take for granted, whereas the disadvantages and circumstances many birth moms face can involve economic trauma, toxic stress, terror, and compounding health risks.
I’m happy for the blessings and accomplishments some people have; I just want people to understand the dynamics of where some birth moms are coming from. The adoptive mom called me “brave,” I think. I remember how her original profile compared birth moms to Moses’ mom (who placed baby Moses in the river on a raft, according to the Bible, to escape being murdered). I said that I am like Moses’ mom in a sense, because I was not giving up my child to be “brave” or to be a martyr. I was giving my child to safer hands because I was being a mom, making the best and only choice I could. I did feel this was like “life or death” for me and my entire family, due to all the combined factors involved. Also, Moses’ mom didn’t quit trying to see her child.
Also, again, the adoption process can be very manipulative, but it doesn’t have to be. People should advocate for a better process. My overall feeling that my child is adopted into a strong, wonderful family is relief and peace, because I never have to worry about her future. Barring some unforeseen event, she will always be surrounded by love and support and won’t have to be exposed to the dysfunction from the circumstances that I and my family face. I do wish more people appreciated that normal middle-class families enjoy so many blessings that other families like mine can only dream about.
How do you see adoption portrayed in public discourse? Do you feel this is accurate?
Adoption is often portrayed negatively, mostly because of a pro-abortion agenda. Pro-choicers have ironically attacked me for choosing adoption, assuming I did so for feeble reasons (so clearly they are not really pro-choice, just pro-abortion). I’ve read people framing adoption as a mother “abandoning” her child, and others asserting that adoption is just as cruel as abortion. They often exaggerate the effects of adoption on the child. I’m sick of the anti-mother pile-on. It becomes “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
I’ve also seen articles from adoptees criticizing adoption and suggesting it shouldn’t be allowed, only guardianship. One writer argued something like that, while describing a privileged life and ultimately focusing criticism on his adoption rather than his actual circumstances. I found it to be an insult to his birth mother’s choice and intelligence.
For me personally, I did not want guardianship. I wanted my child to have full, real, dedicated parents for life—parents who saw her as their daughter, not a temporary responsibility or a “savior” role. That is what my child needed and deserved, and what her adoptive parents deserve as well. A mother is what a mother does. I don’t refer to them as the “adoptive” mom or dad; I say they are the mom and dad, as long as I am not erased as the birth mom.
In your opinion, what makes an adoption process ethical or unethical?
It’s unethical for birth moms to be left under-informed about all their options, rights, and choices. It’s unethical to disregard her biological connection to the child or treat her like a martyr or a surrogate. It’s unethical for the adoption process to be pushy or manipulative, to pressure a birth mom into relinquishing custody immediately after birth, to have her sign unenforceable adoption agreements, to discourage her from accessing her right to free legal counsel, or to withhold important information about prospective adoptive families.
Prospective families should provide more information in their profiles. They often include pictures, details about their home, family, and favorite activities, but I wish they also specified their occupations, work schedules, plans for homeschooling or public or private school, the ages and genders of their current children, their disciplinary style, and whether they have relatives nearby.
Not including that basic information forces birth mothers to dig further for answers, draws out the process, gets families’ hopes up unnecessarily, and can lead to guilt or pressure when a family ultimately isn’t the right fit.
Are there specific reforms or changes you think should be made in adoption practices or laws?
Yeah, I have many:
- Women should have a right to choose adoption without having to get the father’s approval. This is especially for cases of disability. This can save the child either from an abusive home, or from abortion.
- People should be taught all about adoption, pro’s and cons, their options, rights, and everyone’s perspectives/experiences, since high school (or earlier) as well as by their doctor. This is especially needed in cases of fetal diagnosis like Down Syndrome. People need to know their are plenty of families who want to adopt your child if you can’t keep him/her.
- Birth moms should have automatic, enforceable visitation rights (for example seeing her child 4 times per year; monthly phone call; copies of photos every year). While the birth mom maintains her right not to have any visitation, this can’t be written out of the agreement unless she’s a danger somehow.
- Mandate that all prospective adoptive parents provide more details (about things like what I previously mentioned) in their profiles.
- Make illegal the idea of expressing any preference for the birth mom to hand over all custody while still in the hospital.
- Surrogate mom’s should also have more rights. Rights for surrogate moms would likely benefit the child anyway.
- I don’t like the idea of adoptive families paying for the birth mom’s personal expenses because it’s coercive and makes for a payer-surrogate relationship. I imagine that once she gets paid, the birth mom will feel emotionally obligated. The final choice to give up your child must be freely made. I know that’s hard on the adoptive parents, but if you’re pushing her to choose adoption because you think she actually would want the child after birth, that’s wrong. I wish that society offered more resources and options were offered to her regardless of her choice. Better healthcare, safe housing, affordable home ownership. Childcare. Family court reform. More support for caregivers of disabled children. 32 hour workweeks. Paid family leave.
Regardless, adoption must remain a full, free choice. Yes, women should have more rights, better information, and greater support. The process could benefit from reform.
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