8 reasons to talk about women who struggle after abortion
If you or someone you know is struggling after an abortion experience, check out Support After Abortion.
When we at Secular Pro-Life talk about the women who emotionally or psychologically struggle with their abortions, our point is not that their struggles are reasons to ban abortion.
There are plenty of decisions people may suffer from that should still be legal, and we don’t think suffering or abortion regret in themselves are reasons to outlaw abortion. We think abortion should be outlawed because it kills human beings.
But apart from debates about abortion law, there are multiple reasons to pay attention to the fact that some women regret or are grief-stricken by their abortions.
We should talk about this phenomenon in order to…
1. Recognize their perspective
Often when women talk about their negative mental, emotional, and psychological responses to abortion, they are ignored, silenced, gaslit, or vilified. They struggle to find support. This is a problem in itself.
Don’t oversimplify. Even if you believe many, most, or the vast majority of women who abort don’t regret it, you can still acknowledge that some people are harmed by abortions.
I feel that the emotions of sadness and loss are often swept aside in abortion–it’s not always a quick or painless decision.
Keli, Shout Your Abortion
I went into a deep depression. Eventually people started to show me that I couldn’t rely on them for emotional support. I was supposed to “get over it”.
Anonymous, Shout Your Abortion
I was suicidal and hated myself for what I had done. I couldn’t stand the person I was. My sister and mother didn’t care to listen to me, so when no one was around or listening I would cry harder then I’ve ever cried in my life. I cried to let the pain out for months.
Samantha, Exhale Pro-Voice
Disenfranchised grief. Finally I found a definition that has described how I was feeling! A type of grief that is ignored by society, friends and family. Exactly what I have been going through.
Sophie, Shout Your Abortion
2. Connect them to healing resources
To the extent society believes no one or almost no one struggles after abortion, there’s a lack of interest in developing resources to help people in these situations, as well as a lack of awareness of existing programs to recommend to people.
And what resources are available tend to be directive, meaning these programs tend to assume and reinforce the ideas either that (a) abortion was the right decision for you and your struggles are an aberration to be explained away, or (b) abortion killed your child and your struggles are an inevitable reaction to that reality.
Both of these premises start with conclusions and work backward toward individual experiences. But when it comes to mental health support, it should be the other way around. Often people need support that is non-directive, starting with their beliefs, experiences, relationships, and other factors in their lives that have led them both to the abortion and to their reactions to it now.
Support After Abortion tries to do that work. If you know of other non-directive resources (neither abortion-affirming nor abortion-condemning), let us know.
[Read more – Finding mental health counselors for secular post-abortion healing]
3. Improve informed consent
If a woman is going to get an abortion, she should be aware that some women have negative psychological or mental health experiences after their abortions, and she should be informed of where she can get support if that should happen.
Some argue that negative mental health effects after abortion can more appropriately be attributed to mental health issues women were experiencing before abortion (rather than to the abortion experience itself). If so, then women seeking abortion should be (a) screened for mental health issues and (b) informed if they have a mental health issue known to coorelate with worse mental and emotional outcomes after abortion.
I felt embarrassed and guilty about what a disaster I was, like my feminist pro-choice honor badge was going to be revoked for my severe over-reaction to something I had been taught was no big deal.
DJW, Shout Your Abortion
I never thought I would feel the need to grieve, to say goodbye. I do. I never thought I’d have serious doubts, but I do. I always thought this would be easier, it isn’t.
Malayika, Shout Your Abortion
The aftermath was something I wasn’t prepared for. … Regret definitely creeps in and I still feel triggered and have periods of grief that I find difficult to live with. Initially I thought the pain would ease but I’m coming to realise that I’ll carry this grief forever, if not a very long time.
Brydie, Shout Your Abortion
4. Acknowledge the moral and emotional gravity of abortion
We want those who conceptualize abortion as healthcare and only healthcare to understand other dimensions of the abortion experience. For many people, including pro-choice people, abortion carries far more moral and emotional significance. People don’t describe getting a mole or tumor removed in this way:
I kept the ultrasound picture. I cried for an entire month non-stop and I’m still crying. I made a memorial box and I look at it daily.
Emily, Shout Your Abortion
Choosing not to bring you into the world outside my body was the hardest decision I ever made. I think about it, and you, every day.
Sal, Exhale Pro-Voice
Five little pills of great pain. My entire body, heart, and soul, was in great, great pain.
X, Shout Your Abortion
5. Affirm the normalcy of viewing embryos as children
Some abortion advocates dismiss the idea that embryos are children as a niche and archaic religious concept.
In fact, it is not that niche. Embryos are our biological offspring and many people, including both secular and religious, pro-choice and pro-life, naturally view our embryos as our babies.
I’ll still love my baby. I always will.
Anonymous, Shout Your Abortion
Seeing the ultrasound was the worst thing that could have happened because the second I saw the baby I loved it.
Anonymous, Shout Your Abortion
I don’t know what the future has in for me, but this little 11 week old baby will forever etched and live in my heart.
HG survivor, Shout Your Abortion
[Read more – It’s normal to view our embryos as our prenatal children.]
6. Understand factors that shape people’s thoughts on abortion
Pro-choice people sometimes suggest those who oppose abortion do so because we lack experience. They argue we have a rose-tinted view of the world and don’t recognize how difficult and complicated life can be.
But in fact it’s often precisely our difficult, complicated, and deeply personal experiences that lead us to anti-abortion activism.
In many cases the seminal event is gestating and birthing children, or losing children through miscarriage. Sometimes it’s learning that one of our loved ones, or we ourselves, were nearly aborted, and being grateful it was not the case. Sometimes it’s hearing, with rage or horror, that others think abortion is necessary to prevent lives very much like our own from happening.
And sometimes, the transformative experience is when one of our loved ones, or we ourselves, endure the anguish of an abortion.
My long-term girlfriend became pregnant with twins, and she wanted to have an abortion. I respected her choice. We returned from the clinic absolutely devastated.
Marko, Ask a Pro-Life Atheist
When I had an abortion 22 years ago – in the fog of anesthesia, I felt like my soul was screaming. I’ve cried and begged for forgiveness every day since.
Stacey, Becoming Pro-Life
Having an abortion changed my mind.
Jane, Becoming Pro-Life
In other words, some people are pro-life because they or their loved ones were traumatized by abortion, and they’re trying to prevent others from experiencing that harm. You don’t have to agree with their method to recognize the motivation is quite different from some cartoonish villainy about subjugating women or controlling people’s sex lives.
“Everyone loves someone who has had an abortion.” No doubt. That’s precisely why some people are pro-life.
Pro-lifers should similarly recognize that many people are pro-choice because of life-changing experiences. For example someone they love may have been harmed by pregnancy, or felt abortion saved their life.
If you’re tempted to think the people opposing you are simply stupid or evil, reconsider.
7. Identify the issue of unwanted abortion
One study found that 24% of women who abort consider their abortions “unwanted” or “coerced.” This means both that most women who have abortions don’t use these descriptors and that those who do are not rare. Our society needs to recognize the pressure and trauma that often precedes (and follows) women obtaining abortion.
My initial girlfriends who I told were unsympathetic. They told me to not tell the guy seeing as I didn’t see a long-term future with him anyway, and so I shouldn’t “ruin his life” with this news and burden him. They told me to get an abortion.
Anonymous, Shout Your Abortion
They forced me to make the call to schedule an appointment. I didn’t want to. I continued to smoke weed cause I was so depressed. It happened two weeks later, the boyfriend and his family escorted me to make sure it was done.
Anonymous, Shout Your Abortion
I was so in shock when my parents admitted that they knew I was expecting before I did that I just went with it when mum said I must terminate. I did. It was horrendous, because the shame I felt at having another abortion was crushing. I was still grieving my first.
Anonymous, Shout Your Abortion
8. Encourage collaboration to prevent unwanted abortion
The same study above found that 60% of women who aborted would have preferred to give birth if they had better emotional support or more financial security. We aim to identify societal issues leading to women choosing abortion under pressure. Pro-life people oppose abortion. Pro-choice people oppose reproductive coercion. Reducing pressure to abort and reducing unwanted abortions should be easy common ground.
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