Adoption Stories: Amy W.
Conversations about adoption are often missing the voices of people who have lived it. In our adoption stories series, adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and their families share their journeys in their own words. This month, we welcome Amy W.
If you are interested in sharing your experiences with adoption, please complete this survey.
What are your experiences with adoption?
I am an adoptee and I adopted a child.
What do you think are the most common myths or misconceptions about adoption?
That the crazy scenarios that happen in Hallmark channel movies are the norm.
What do you wish more people understood about adoption?
The words you use matter. Never ask about an adoptee’s “real parents” when you mean the birth parents. As an adoptee and an adoptive parent, this phrase is hurtful. I was asked this a lot when I was growing up. My adoptive parents are the only ones I have ever known and are very real and very much my parents.
Fortunately, I can’t remember anyone using that phrase for my adopted son’s birth parents, and I hope I never hear it. This is not in any way meant to disparage his birth parents. We regard his birth parents with the utmost respect and recognize them as an equal part of the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptee, and adoptive parents).
Other hurtful phrases are “give up for adoption” or “keep the baby.” Acceptable phrases are “place for adoption” or “choose to parent.”
In your opinion, what makes an adoption process ethical or unethical?
For the adoption process to be ethical, it needs to have safeguards to ensure the birth parents are not coerced into placing for adoption and that it is not profitable for traffickers.
We used a well-established, well-respected adoption agency that had separate advocates for the birth parents and the adoptive parents. We felt comfortable that the birth parent advocates were not pushing birth parents toward adoption but were providing guidance and support for either parenting or adoption placement.
Our state has a law that limits the amount of money that a birth parent can receive from an adoption agency/adoptive parents. The intent was the money could cover medical expenses and other direct expenses for the pregnancy but was not enough to make it enticing for traffickers.
Are there specific reforms or changes you think should be made in adoption practices or laws?
I’m not well versed in current adoption laws, but ensuring that birth parents are not coerced into placing for adoption and discouraging trafficking should be top priorities.
How do you see adoption portrayed in public discourse? Do you feel this is accurate?
At an adoption training class, we heard from four birth parents. Each said several family and/or friends told them abortion was an acceptable choice but “giving away their child” was selfish and wrong. The truth is the choice to place for adoption—to go through a full pregnancy and childbirth and then trust another family to raise your child—is extremely difficult and a selfless thing to do. It is not done flippantly.
Is there anything else you’d like to share about your perspective on adoption?
My Medium article, “Colby’s Adoption Story.”
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