Livestream Recap: Table Manners for Tough Topics
Recently Monica and I livestreamed our discussion about how to navigate abortion discussions with friends or family during the holidays. You can listen to or watch the replay here:
Or, if you prefer, here is a summary of our conversation.
Key Takeaways
- Holiday gatherings are usually not the right setting for useful conversations about abortion.
- You can push back in simple and undramatic ways while also setting clear boundaries: “I disagree, but I also don’t think this is the right time to debate it.”
- If someone genuinely wants to discuss abortion, offer an alternative: “I’d be happy to talk about this together later. Maybe coffee next week?”
Summary
Every year around the holidays, people ask us how to talk about abortion with their families. Our short answer? Don’t.
As someone who has spent years talking about abortion, I think it’s important to pick the right setting. Large family gatherings usually aren’t it. You and your one cousin might be interested in the debate, but that doesn’t mean everyone else at the table is up for it. It’s not respectful to engage in such an emotional topic with an effectively captive audience, especially when we don’t know who has had an abortion or miscarriage or similar experiences that make this topic difficult.
This doesn’t mean you have to sit silently while a pro-choice aunt goes on about her views. You can set a boundary while also showing consideration for the others around you. “I disagree, but I don’t think this is the right time to debate it.”
If someone is making a factual claim you think is untrue, you can similarly express skepticism without engaging in real-time: “I’d be surprised if that’s the case, but if you want to send me where got the info I’d be interested to look later.” In this way you can pause the conversation without letting misinformation go unchecked.
You can let people know you are open to discussing and debating abortion, but you care about the setting. It may be appropriate to talk after dinner with one or two others on the back porch or similar spot where others can more easily opt in or out of the conversation. Or you can ask if the other person wants to get coffee or have a video chat the next week and talk one on one. The point here isn’t that you refuse to debate abortion; it’s that you’re choosing a better time for a more useful conversation.
Planting flags matters. A calm “I don’t agree” let’s others know where you stand, and a simple “but let’s not fight about it in mixed company” let’s them know you care how they feel. Over time, this builds trust. People may come back to you years later to talk about abortion, or even to ask for help in a crisis, because they remembered you were pro-life and approachable.
Additional Resources
- How to talk (not fight) about abortion (brochure)
- 3 reasons you should let people know you’re pro-life
- SPL’s Bridges Intensive (a full-day workshop on having useful conversations with pro-choice friends and family)
- Abortion Debate Index
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