Recap: Building Bridges presentation in upstate New York

Over 10 months ago, a woman named June reached out to ask me to present Building Bridges to her parish sometime in 2024. June is a member of the parish council of St. Joseph’s in New Paltz, New York, where they host lecture series on a variety of social issues important to Catholics. They’ve covered immigration, climate change, euthanasia, and more. They had considered inviting a Catholic to speak on abortion, but June has been a fan of SPL for awhile, and she thought it would be interesting to hear from an atheist (she’s right).

At the time I already had travel booked through April, but I offered to come out in May or June. In retrospect I’m so glad she suggested October instead, because October in upstate New York is lovely.

Originally I was supposed to have a shorter trip, but because I ended up traveling to Phoenix to rally against Prop 139, it was difficult to travel home and then leave again. Instead I went from Phoenix to New York and arrived Saturday night, even though my Bridges presentation wouldn’t be until Tuesday evening.

Saturday – meeting Cheech

St. Joseph’s sent a parishioner, Cheech, to drive me from LaGuardia upstate to new Paltz. Cheech is a former cop from Brooklyn, Catholic, and Italian. I am (part) Italian as well. This means we spoke enthusiastically, with many hand gestures, nonstop for the nearly two-hour car ride.

We talked about our kids, our upbringings, how we both ended up in the work we’re in now. He asked why St. Joseph’s had invited me.

Me: I’m the executive director of an anti-abortion group, Secular Pro-Life. St. Joseph’s hired me to present on how to have better conversations about abortion with people who are different from us.
Cheech: Oh that’s interesting. Personally I’m pro-choice.
Me: Well there you go, you should come. You can see exactly what I’m talking about.

He politely explained he had other plans, and we moved on to other topics.

St. Joseph’s arranged for two Benedictine Sisters, Philomena and Marita, to host me for my trip. We got to their house pretty late and they offered me tea and lemon bars before I went to bed.

Sunday – meeting St. Joseph’s parishioners

The next day, Sunday, happened to be the church’s monthly social Sunday. Many churches offer coffee and pastries once a month after mass so their people have a chance to hang out together. St. Joseph’s takes it to another level, offering a wide variety of homemade desserts plus trays of eggs, bacon, some kind of breakfast mac’n’cheese, etc. It was a feast.

June explained that St. Joseph’s pastor, Fr. Salvatore Cardaro (Fr. Sal), was promoting my Bridges presentation at each of the three masses that morning and telling people I would be at the Sunday social if they wanted to meet me. She then took me around for the next 2.5 hours and introduced me to all sorts of churchgoers.

They were delightful. Friendly, curious, sincere. I am extremely extroverted, and I enjoy hearing people’s stories about how they’ve interacted with the abortion issue over time. One woman told me about her grandson who has a mild intellectual disability, and the doctors suggested her daughter abort. She didn’t, but that suggestion was impactful to the family. Another woman told me that she’s always been pro-life, but she’s started to feel hesitant after hearing about women being denied emergency care. We talked a lot about which parts of those stories are credible versus not and how we can address these problems. She told me I gave her hope. She also showed me pictures of her youngest granddaughter, which I loved.

Secular Pro-Life is Very Online. Most of our work is virtual, and most of our interactions are with other Very Online people (pro-choice and pro-life alike). It’s good for me to be in person with people, and hear what those who aren’t online think and understand about the issue. Good data.

[Read more – Quick tips for making online abortion debates worthwhile]

Later that evening, Fr. Sal, Sr. Marita, June, and another parishioner, Maura, took me to dinner. We enjoyed fall weather on a cafe patio and they indulged me talking endlessly about SPL’s work, the conversations we have, what I love, what I wish the pro-life movement was doing better, and on and on. It was interesting comparing notes with Fr. Sal regarding our jobs, which both involve a lot of public speaking as well as trying to encourage unity among diverse groups of people with similar goals.

Monday – enjoying upstate New York

Since my presentation wasn’t until Tuesday evening, I had all of Monday and most of Tuesday to use my time as I liked.

I did get a good bit of work done. Since SPL exists almost entirely online, I can work anywhere with internet. I had a few meetings, wrote a few drafts, coordinated some projects, all while enjoying free coffee and a huge conference room to myself in St. Joseph’s parish center.

Monday afternoon, Sr. Philomena drove me the short trip to Mohonk Mountain House, a resort in the center of an autumn paradise. She chatted with me on the rocking chair porch, gave me a tour of gardens and tree houses, had a cup of tea with me in front of a big fireplace, and shared chocolate shortbread with me on the Sunset Deck. It was all stunning and peaceful and lovely.

Tuesday (day) – practice and feedback

Tuesday I did more work and then practiced part of Building Bridges for Srs. Marita and Philomena. This was mutually beneficial because scheduling conflicts meant they might not see the beginning of the live presentation, and if I’m doing my job correctly I will do at least a quick run through before each speaking engagement. (Yes, I’ve given this presentation quite a few times now, but I nearly always update a little portion here and there between speaking engagements, and I know the real event will go more smoothly if I do a quick refresh in advance.)

I was glad to practice it because the Sisters very much represented the evening’s audience (mostly devout Catholics) and they gave me a few minor suggestions about how to present in a way that may be easier to understand or hear. Any time you can get members of your target audience to give you feedback in advance, take the opportunity. It’s very helpful.

Meanwhile my friend Chris Bell (one of the founders of Good Counsel maternity homes out of New Jersey) drove up to take me to a late lunch before the event, so I once again got to enjoy the absolutely perfect fall weather and scenery from a restaurant balcony. Also enjoyed thought-provoking and animated conversations with Chris. I have these kinds of conversations with a lot of people in this work. It really suits my extroverted self.

Tuesday (evening) – Building Bridges

Finally the time had come. I love speaking in front of people (everyone should listen to me), so I’d been looking forward to it. Sr. Marita and I walked together from her house to the church’s fellowship hall and arrived early. I put some SPL publications (brochures, stickers) on a table near the entrance. Fr. Sal set me up with a microphone and a large projector screen (I try to always have a PowerPoint presentation). People began shuffling in and I chatted with a few until Chris Bell arrived, at which point I talked with him in particular. It was great to have him not only for solidarity but also because he agreed to take pictures of me presenting. Otherwise how could I show you, the dear readers?

My team and I designed Building Bridges primarily for a conservative and specifically Christian audience. It’s a presentation about how to build better connections with people different from themselves, specifically with (1) abortion-vulnerable women, (2) pro-choice moderates, and (3) non-traditional pro-lifers. Bridges has become our most popular presentation. This year I’ve given it in Oregon, Utah, St. Louis, New York, and even Winnipeg. And every time I present Bridges, I can see the audience’s enthusiasm and confidence grow. Their nonverbal engagement during the presentation (laughing, nodding, taking pictures of the slides, taking notes) coupled with their explicit thanks and reflections during Q&A are just a few more of the many reasons I love my job.

In this instance, the audience stayed with me not only as I went well over my who-am-I-kidding 60 minute goal, but also for another hour after that as we stayed as long as we liked for Q&A (this is the benefit of owning rather than reserving or renting a space).

One woman wanted some feedback on how to talk to her college-aged daughter about the issue. Her daughter is pro-choice and has gotten a little aggressive about not only bringing up abortion but accusing her mother of a range of the standard stereotypes. Here were my thoughts:

Next time your daughter brings it up, let her say as much as she wants. Ask her to tell you. Ask her to explain everything she’s mad about, everything she’s worried about. Don’t try to argue at this stage. Encourage her with follow up questions. Once she’s said her piece, tell her ‘Okay. I’m going to repeat back how I’m understanding what you’re saying, and you let me know if I’ve got it right.’ And it may take more than one attempt, and that’s okay. Here you’re making sure she knows you hear her and you care about correctly understanding her.

Once you get to a point where you’ve described her view in a way that she says ‘Yes, that’s what I think,’ then tell her it’s your turn. Ask her to describe where you’re coming from, and if she can’t, tell her you’d like to explain more. Emphasize you’re not trying to make her agree with you, only to correctly understand your perspective. You don’t have to agree with a perspective to understand what the other person is saying.

If you two can both get to a point where you can correctly describe the other’s view, stop. Take a break. Say you’re glad you at least understand each other. And then agree to talk about it more at another time.

I try to emphasize to people that we shouldn’t feel rushed in these discussions. If someone is going to change their mind, it’s often a months- or years-long process, not a single conversation. And a lot of the change happens between, rather than during, conversations. Be patient. And relentless.

One woman asked me about tone when talking about these things. I told her when you’re trying to have a reasonable and calm conversation, you don’t want to be unnecessarily aggressive. But you also don’t want to be apologetic. Just aim for matter of fact and sincere. Be willing to say if you aren’t sure about something or want to look into something more. Be very very willing to say when you agree with something they’re saying. Emphasizing common ground is very helpful.

Another woman told me that she had thought this would be a presentation about the ballot initiatives, and she was pleasantly surprised to find our content instead. She also said she had not expected to laugh so much during a presentation about abortion (what can I say?) and that she thinks the “other side” should be terrified of Secular Pro-Life. Higher praise is hardly possible.

And as a bonus, guess who else joined? Cheech! My pro-choice driver and conversational companion attended the entire nearly 90 minute presentation. This means a lot to me. If I’m doing my job correctly, moderate pro-choice people should be able to hear this content and think “Well that makes sense.” So I spoke at length about who pro-choice moderates are and how we can connect to them knowing one (Cheech) was listening to the whole analysis.

The next morning Cheech picked me up from the Sisters’ house to take me all the way back to LaGuardia. As soon as we were in the car, I asked him what he thought of the presentation. He said he thought it was “wonderful.” He said he was interested in reflecting on where he fits in with the different types of pro-choice people I describe, and he liked how much I emphasized the importance of common ground and clear communciation. Very affirming feedback.

And in the days that followed, I received a few messages from others who had been at the presentation in person. This one came through our website (emphasis added):

I had the pleasure of attending Monica’s presentation on Tuesday. I have been a closet conservative pro-lifer and Monica has given me the courage to break down that closet door. I have looked for pro-life organizations in my area in the past, where I could volunteer, without any luck. Do you know of any in this area? Thank you so much for the inspiration. If not now, when?

Going forward

Every time I present Bridges, the response is fantastic. I’d love to give the presentation at scale. You can help.

First, if you know organizations who may be interested in this content, recommend SPL to them for speaking engagements. You can send them to our presentations page here.

Second, you can help fund all of the work that goes into building and honing these presentations and help to underwrite the cost of bringing this perspective-changing content to more audiences. If you would like to help make this possible, you can give here.