1. Don’t expect it to blow up.

Most stories don’t go viral—and that’s normal. The goal isn’t attention, it’s putting something true out there and letting it reach whoever it reaches.

2. Your real audience is the silent listener.

The people arguing in the comments section aren’t the main audience. The silent readers matter more, and they’re watching how you behave as much as what you say.

3. Plan for backlash, and don’t dwell on it.

If you go public, expect some negativity—but don’t give it too much weight. Most online hostility is just noise, and you can choose how much of it to engage with.

What to expect if your story goes viral (or doesn’t)

There are two main things you need to think about before putting your story online: Whether the people in your life are ready to hear it (and whether you’re ready for them to hear it), and how you’re going to deal with a bunch of people being rude to you on the Internet.

Your story probably won’t go viral.

When you decide to go public with your story, you might be prepping yourself for all kinds of reactions, and what actually happens is that no one cares. We are vastly more likely to have the problem of hardly anyone paying attention than of way too many people paying attention.

If your story doesn’t attract a lot of attention, don’t let that hurt your feelings. Our job is to put the information out there and let the chips fall where they may.

But what if you’re not ignored?

The first things to think about are your mental health and your cybersecurity. Are you ready to tell your story (or to talk publicly about abortion)? How will you feel if people know these things about your life? Are you psychologically well enough to handle the attention? Think about these things before you start and make sure you feel ready. You should feel like you’re coming from a place of confidence and stability.

Also, before you start saying controversial things on the Internet, you might want to review what information is publicly available about you online. Do you have strong passwords for your different accounts? What does your Facebook look like to people who aren’t friends with you? How much of your life can they see if they just look up your name? Do you have a unique name or a common name that naturally protects you from anyone being able to find you? (Cybersecurity is rarely a problem, but it’s beneficial to think about these things in advance and clean house a bit.)

If your story goes viral, you will not be able to control who hears it. So, you should consider in advance how people you know will react to it. Maybe your immediate social circles don’t pay attention to what you’re doing on the Internet, and thus you think the content you put out will be isolated from the rest of your life. However, that might not be the case if your story goes viral, especially if your real name is attached to it.

Consider how you would feel if these groups heard your story:

• Involved parties: How would they feel about you telling a story that involves them, even if you don’t name them specifically? Would they agree with your interpretation of the story? Do you care if they agree?
• Family/friends: Have they already heard this story from you? Or could they end up hearing it for the first time when it goes viral?
• Community/church
• Dating/romance: How would you feel if someone on a dating site Googled your name and found this story?
• Work/school: How would you feel if your employer heard this story?

Who are you talking to?

In any context, when telling a story to many listeners, you have three audiences:

1. People who hate you: These people will be mean and loud. This is usually the audience that people are most nervous about and notice the most. However, they’re not your target audience.
2. People who love you: These people are grateful for what you’re saying and are there to support you. This audience can be very encouraging, but they’re also not the main point.
3. Everybody else: This is everybody who hasn’t already made up their mind that they strongly agree or disagree with you. On the Internet, this is the largest group. You’ll hear from the people who dislike what you’re saying and, to a lesser extent, from the people who like what you’re saying. You will hear very little from the ones who haven’t made up their minds.

On the Internet, most people who see content don’t respond to it. A tweet might have 30 likes and several hundred views. This is important to keep in mind, because we are psychologically primed to notice people responding more than the people not responding. We’re also more likely to notice people being mean than people being nice. You might have 10 encouraging comments and two angry ones, and you’re more likely to think about the angry ones.

When you’re talking online, the silent listeners are the entire point. They might be open to what you’re saying, even if they don’t express it. Always keep the silent listener in mind. When you respond to someone who’s being rude or aggressive, don’t think about that person. Think about what the silent listener is observing. The silent listener is paying attention not only to what you say, but to how you say it. How you comport yourself is at least as important as how sound your points are. If you respond respectfully and politely, you make the pro-life side look good.

It helps to imagine one individual person as your target audience, ideally someone you know. When a lot of people are responding to you, focusing on one person helps you set the tone and the emotional state for the target audience you actually care about. That one person might be…

• Your exhausted compatriot
• Your on-the-fence friend
• A moderate pro-choicer
• Past you
• An abortion-minded woman
• Your pro-choice sister-in-law
• A nontraditional pro-lifer

Stay objective and develop a thick skin.

When something goes viral and you get a ton of responses, it’s intense emotionally. You will definitely get some people with very negative reactions. They will loom largest in your head.

Remember: This isn’t simply how pro-choicers are. People of all ideologies, not just our opposition, say cruel and idiotic things online. It’s very easy online to start believing that your opposition are just a bunch of evil idiots, because they are the ones you hear from, rather from the worst of your own side. But a lot of the horrible things you hear are not representative so much of pro-choice people as of people online. They don’t represent everyone who defends abortion rights, and people who are against abortion have the same problem.
Also remember: This isn’t simply how people are. Especially online, most people being rude and ridiculous are “paper tigers,” emboldened by the anonymity and depersonalization of online discourse. The vast majority of them would never have the nerve to speak to you like this if you were standing right in front of them. This is a problem of the Internet. Don’t take it personally.

Expect the worst (and realize you don’t have to care).

When you put content on the Internet, especially if it’s a personal story, ask this: “What is the worst thing that people could say about this story?” And then expect them to do that.

If you get any responses that frighten you or creep you out, block them. If someone makes you feel threatened, contact the authorities.

However, the vast majority of your critics will just be mean or stupid, not dangerous. Angry, aggressive critics are trying to get a reaction out of you. They’ll play every card they can think of, trying to find something that upsets you. Try not to care. But if their behavior is getting to you, feel free to block them.

Obnoxious trolls make normal people (of whom there are many on the Internet) shy away from the pro-choice side. You want the silent listener to see that you are a normal, sane, calm, respectful, logical person and that your critics are crazy. Trolls can be as nasty as they want. All they’re doing is embarrassing their own side.

Strategies for responding to trolls

• Block them: Only suggested if they’re really getting to you or otherwise being threatening.
• Don’t respond: The most popular option.
• Have a sense of humor: A quick, witty response can make their behavior seem ridiculous without you being the mean one.
• Recognize “edgelords”: People who are purposefully being as provocative as they can. They want you to clutch your pearls and act offended. Don’t fall for it. One of the easiest responses is, “Oh, edgy.”
• Find common ground (real or imagined): You can find common ground by pretending to misunderstand them, and then they have to either say thanks or try to change what they said because they don’t want to agree with you.
• Post a hit-and-run comment: (This applies even if you don’t go viral.) If you see lots of comments regurgitating pro-choice myths, don’t feel obligated to respond to everything they said. Pick one point (probably the one that’s easiest for you to refute) and then post a very short comment just saying, “I don’t think that’s right.” Throw in a citation. Then mute the conversation and never look at it again. This allows people to see that not everyone agrees.
• Keep it short: If you can’t think up a good counterargument, you can just write “no” (eg, responding to the comment “Mind your own business”).
• Don’t care: Respond sincerely to people who are being sincere. But laugh at trolls. The general pro-life response to pro-choice trolls should be laughter and dismissal.

A word of encouragement

In our society, the pro-choice side has an inflated sense of consensus. They think that all good, normal, forward-thinking people agree with them in all spheres. Conversely, pro-lifers often think they’re more alienated and alone than they are.

Silent listeners usually don’t end up saying anything. When you post pro-life content, you might be having positive effects and not knowing it. Pro-life work is hard. You have to be prepared to keep putting content out there, sending up a flare of information, knowing that you might not get to see the results. And every time you send up a flare, your critics start yelling at you, but remember, you’re not talking to them. You’re talking to the silent listener.