Please don’t conflate abortion harm with abortion regret
A very similar version of this post is available as a Twitter/X thread here.
Photo Credit: Valeriia Miller on Unsplash
Dear Pro-Life Community,
I am officially asking that we stop conflating the harm abortion does to women with the concept of “regret.”
This may seem trivial but I’m telling you: It’s important.
First, I’m not asking that we stop talking about abortion trauma altogether.
Abortions harm women who have them, and it is imperative we talk about it:
- to inform women considering abortion of the risks.
- to stop the cycle of abortion, both in individual lives and in communities, by helping women heal.
I am asking that we stop referring to abortion “regret” as synonymous with, or as an accurate indicator of, abortion harm. It’s neither.
The negative effects of abortion manifest in a variety of ways:
- grief, loss, depression, and anxiety
- guilt, shame, anger, and hopelessness
- PTSD, including flashbacks, nightmares, suicidal thoughts, etc.
- other, often overlooked, aspects such as denial, rationalization, justification, emotional numbing, substance abuse, changes in sexual behavior, repeated abortions, relationship problems, and more.
(Find more information about abortion trauma here, here, and here.)
However, any number of these things can be present without a woman expressing regret for her decision.
I see this happen in women for two main reasons:
- Women experiencing denial, numbness, rationalization and justification – all common trauma responses – are unwilling and/or unable to express regret.
- Regret implies wanting to change the past, and therefore, has implications for the present. As a result, for many regret is less of a reactive feeling and more of a rationalized assessment of an event and the repercussions of that event. This means that a woman may experience negative emotional and psychological effects after abortion but still think it was the “best” or “right” decision at the time.
Some familiar examples of trauma without expressed “regret”:
- It’s not uncommon to hear a woman who escaped spousal abuse say, “It was horrible but I don’t regret it because of my beautiful children.”
- Many combat veterans experience PTSD without expressing regret for their service. They believe their sacrifice was worth it. But their trauma is still very real.
- A woman may grieve for her aborted child but be reluctant to express regret. Regret implies wanting to undo the past, and undoing the past might also undo many of the people and relationships she loves and values today. We cannot expect a woman to say she’d undo a previous abortion if that means giving up the kids she has today.
- These examples and more, plus additional commentary in this thread and this thread on X.
If, when addressing abortion harm, all of our language centers around “regret,” we make it harder for women to recognize the negative effects of abortion in their own lives.
I know, because I lived it and I see it in others all the time.
It often goes something like this: “Having an abortion was the best decision I could have made at the time. I don’t regret it. Sure, it hurts to think about how old my child would be today. Sometimes I have panic attacks, especially when I hear a vacuum. And babies freak me out even though they never did before. So that sucks, but no, I don’t REGRET my abortion. I’m married and I have a good career and two kids that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t aborted my first pregnancy, so how could I REGRET it?”
“Regret” is far too narrow a concept to apply to the post-abortion experience…
…especially given the broad range of negative emotional and psychological effects many post-abortive women face. Limiting our language to regret makes it easier for people to dismiss abortion harm, hinders women from recognizing their own trauma, and skews the conversation, research, and public perceptions about abortion’s effects.
A great example of “regret” skewing the abortion harm conversation is the Turnaway Study. If you’ve seen any article that claims abortion doesn’t harm women because most “women don’t regret their abortions,” 99 out of 100 times that article is citing the Turnaway Study. Frankly, I disagree that the Turnaway Study proves women don’t regret their abortions (some thoughts on that here and here), but even if it did, a lack of “regret” hardly proves that abortion isn’t traumatic or doesn’t cause emotional and psychological harm.
My request is that, from now on, when pro-lifers discuss the effects of abortion on women:
- We talk about things like abortion harm, abortion wounds, abortion-related trauma, and other negative effects of abortion.
- We continue to carry signs that say “I regret my abortion,” but also carry signs that say “abortion harms women.”
- We are familiar with the real signs and effects of abortion-related trauma, and we share that information with others.
- We provide information about post-abortion healing support whenever we can (links below).
Honored to be in this fight with you,
Nichole, a post-abortive woman who has been ministering to other post-abortive people for over 20 years
Post-Abortion Support
https://supportafterabortion.com/ (offers secular support)
https://deeperstill.org/ ( offers faith-based support)
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